There’s a paradigm that states, “The way you do one thing is the way you do everything.” If you tend to use all-or-nothing thinking or other irrational thought patterns, this probably shows up in every area of your life and is often a part of a perfectionist personality. Here are a few examples:
Exercise: If you don’t have time for your full workout, you don’t do any exercise.
Relationships: You might be ready to marry someone after one date—or decide after one date that you never want to see that person again. For friendships, you might have one close friend at a time with whom you do everything.
Housework: If you can’t clean the entire house all at once, it doesn’t get done at all.
School: If you don’t have time to sit down and write the paper in one sitting, it doesn’t get done until you have no choice and then find yourself pulling an all-nighter.
Nutrition: You already broke from your dietary goals by having one cookie, so you might as well eat the entire package and abandon your nutrition goals for the rest of the day.
An all-or-nothing mindset also affects people on a deeper level. As a type of cognitive distortion, people with all-or-nothing mindsets tend to see the world with no gray areas. Things are either right or they’re wrong, and anything less than 100% equals failure. That’s a lot of pressure!
With all-or-nothing thinking and other cognitive distortions, people use absolutes and extremes, like:
- I’m a complete failure… or… My way is always the best way
- I can never do anything right… or… If it’s going to get done right, I’m the only one who can do it.
- Everyone hates me; no one likes me… or… I don’t have any enemies—everyone loves me.
A 2018 study published in Clinical Psychological Science suggests that using absolutist words is a marker specific to anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. In this study, researchers state, “Absolutist thinking underlies many of the cognitive distortions and irrational beliefs that are purported to mediate the core affective disorders…. Absolutist thinking has strong empirical links to three distinct mental health groups: suicidal ideation, borderline personality disorder, and eating disorder.” This doesn’t mean that this type of self-talk is always linked to these conditions. After all, we all use this language at times. It’s when it becomes a person’s primary or only way of thinking that things become problematic.
Stopping the Spiral of All-or-Nothing Thinking In one of her Therapy in a Nutshell tutorials, Emma McAdam, MS, makes the following suggestions for getting out of all-or-nothing thinking:
- Notice: Start noticing if and when you’re falling into absolutist thinking. Listen for those absolute words: everyone, always, never, complete, etc.
- Practice Cognitive Defusion: This involves looking at your thoughts objectively, allowing you to consider them from an outside perspective.
- Realize: Understand that just because you think something, that doesn’t make it true or helpful. Use Byron Katie’s Four Questions to reframe negative thoughts:
- Is this thought true?
- Can I absolutely, 100% know that this thought is true?
- How do I react to this thought?
- Who would I be without this thought?
- Name the Emotion: Instead of creating a distorted reality, name the emotion. For example, say “I feel lonely” instead of “No one likes me.” Identifying the emotion allows you to address it directly.
- Reframe the Problem: See both sides of a situation. For instance, if your family didn’t like what you made for dinner, reframe it to “They didn’t like that dish, but they liked what I made last night.”
- Acknowledge Strengths and Weaknesses: Recognize both your strengths and weaknesses to allow for a growth mindset. For example, if a relationship ends, acknowledging your role and responsibility can lead to personal growth.
- Understand the Function of Absolutist Thinking: Recognize that this mindset might be a protective mechanism to avoid risks, keeping you in your comfort zone. If you want to venture out, you must take risks.
While absolutist thinking can seem benign, it can significantly impact your life, leading to mental health issues and stunting success. For example, a perfectionist might procrastinate launching a website because it’s never perfect, ultimately never starting a new business.
Take an honest look at your words and thoughts. Break down your rigid mindset and cultivate a growth mindset with tools like reframing and challenging negative thoughts. Be ready to see the world in a whole new light.
